based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
