i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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