U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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