Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
