Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
