I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
