mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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