Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
