Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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