Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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