The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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