I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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