I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
