i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
