Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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