My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
