we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
