Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
