she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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