why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am naked and annoyed.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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