My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
