Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
