There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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