My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
