Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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