I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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