I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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