He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
