You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
