hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
