Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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