dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
