Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
