brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
