woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
