my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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