Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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