just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
