I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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