so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
