I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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