Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
In America we eat man semen.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
