I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
