It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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