I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
