I'm so fucking centered right now
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
