after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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