I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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