Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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