Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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