I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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